On the anniversary of this momentous occasion 2 years ago tomorrow, I am STARTING OVER. I am merging this account with my public one:
bad-doktorFaust
--you can now view most of these old journals there, as I've copied them over. You may find them amusing. Expect to hear from me in the near future.
I remain,

Yours truly--

LIN-CHAN 2.0
unbeatable, and better than ever

now solely bad-doktorFaust

Journal time again already? Well, my life looks like this now:

want to buy a car, blame this on Initial D, now I actually have a motivation to work over the summer

need something to do with my life, like a major hobby, racing would be good

am waiting for Skillet concert on the 5th

am more or less broke

skipped with Chris on Friday and had a wonderful relaxing time

counting the days until I get out of here

...


looking forward to Seattle

just don't care much about the old things anymore

Hey all. For public information purposes:

I will be going to the Con, riding up with Sam, and staying with Ian.

He and I, for the moment, are friends and friends only-- it is too painful to be this far apart and unfair to both of us to put our lives on hold and wait for growth. So. I still *gasp* love him. Don't know what will happen here, not thinkin' about it right now.

I will be cosplaying as a Venusaur, yes you heard correctly. The FFVIII Edea outfit is in the works-- I don't know if I'll have the energy to finish it in time.

If things get awkward in my room, I may need a place to stay. Fair warning? I really don't think it will happen though.

Well.
I never thought I would be saying this, but without work to do, I have nothing to do. My life, officially, has no point. I'm killing time. That's all. If I had freedom, I could amuse myself in many ways I have not yet tried. But I don't.
I have no homework.

I have no applications.

I have no imminent friend-gatherings (Shari's-Monday-be there!)

I have no Ian-visits.

I have no applications decisions, either. Caltech mails tomorrow... *sigh*

So yeah. I'm also kinda lonely, because as soon as I get some letters in, I have to decide what I'm doing with my life. Which particular version of elsewhere will take me away from you all. I'm overcome by the sneaking horror that I won't get in anywhere.
Especially nowhere I can afford. But let's think. Even if, as it appeared a few months ago, I take the easy way out and go to Seattle, none of you will be coming with me. I can't live my life around Ian, especially as he is adamant (sp?) lately about "being my own Lindsey before I can be his Lindsey", whatever the fuck that means. Hopefully it isn't painful.

I just realized that, pretty fucking much, I'm a blank slate. No assigned hobbies, no assigned future, no assigned religion or personality (both in flux) or friend-group to hold onto. Why do I have to start over? Because everything here is like outgrown clothes, dead and too small...
I will try my damnedest to stay part of all of your lives though, ne?

I think the title says it all.
Haven't been to school. Kinda sick, kinda faking. Have a feeling I'll need the rest, I think, I hope, perhaps Ian and I will be having an important talk tonight. Don't ask, I don't know either. Please all wish me luck and pray if you are that persuasion.

Speaking of prayer, I am beginning to think I want to be a Christian again. Or however you say that. Don't call me crazy. I've been working on this in my mind a long time now and gradually trying to reconcile religion with the way my mind is now and I think it would do me some good. So please don't laugh, because my tired brain has been headed in this direction longer, far longer, than any of you have known to care or criticize.

Please don't expect much yet. There are just many ways in which I want to be a better person, and one person has brought it subtly to my attention that I could be.

Love you all. If I'm hard to deal with in the next few days, I'll try to tell you one day.

Right now, I am just trying to believe in faith and trust and hope and love and all the good things I know that I know.